Shy. In. The. Bedroom?! Not in Mass Effect 3, my friend.
For Kaidan Appreciation week, I dug up the best ask anyone ever sent me. 😀
Yes, I’m right back there again today. I had to.
After all these years, I’m still seeing a sudden influx of “Kaidan Alenko is boring and bland” posts again? Really?
Listen up, friends, a character being introverted and reserved =/= boring and bland. It means you gotta get to know them first, and they won’t always be in your face noisy.
You know what’s boring? Every single fucking character ever being a loudmouthed extrovert. Some variety is nice.
And if you’re not patient enough to get to know your squad mates, that ain’t Kaidan’s problem, that’s yours.
“Oh, come ON!” Shepard wants to throttle the asshole at the cafeteria. He knows. He has to KNOW. It’s a thing, and he’s doing it on fucking PURPOSE.
It’s the only thing Shepard looks forward to in his miserable existence of boring classes, thankless internships, endless days. But there’s that sandwich.
It’s God’s gift to food, really. There’s so little in the cafeteria that’s palatable after a grueling day. It’s not bad food, but it’s not the right food. The pasta bakes are just this side of overdone. The pizza is too stringy and the sauce too sweet. The Chinese food is limp and greasy, and the tacos never have enough fillings.
But that fucking sandwich. Shepard’s had it a total of one time. And… it was heaven. Thin sliced turkey, ham, and salami. Sharp Swiss cheese. Crisp lettuce. Juicy tomato. An insanely tangy basil vinegar dressing. All on fresh French bread. They only make a few of them at the cafeteria’s deli every day, and Shepard is thinking of dropping his major just to be able to get one.
He’s thirty seconds too far away for the lunch rush, and there’s this asshole who is thirty seconds closer, who gets the fucking last sandwich every day. For three weeks.
Shepard has never wanted to punch someone right to the back of the head as the dude with the perfect coiffed black hair happily paying for God’s sandwich right this second.
It’s final’s week. He’s going insane. He knows it. He’s got fifty dollars left in his wallet to last him meals for two weeks, and he’s digging it out of his pocket. Before he can stop himself, or even be polite, his hand is on the man’s shoulder, yanking him around.
They both end up completely startled.
Shepard thinks, this is the hottest asshole I’ve ever seen in my life.
The 30 second thief says, “excuse me?”
“Fifty bucks,” Shepard says.
Beautiful, thick eyebrows raise high into the guy’s hairline. “I haven’t got fifty dollars,” he answers, confused.
Shepard thinks, this is the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard. “You will if you let me have that sandwich. You’ll think I’m crazy, I get that, but I have to have it. It’s the only thing I look forward to, and I haven’t gotten to have one in a month. And it’s finals, and I’m stressed, and just… please.”
Understanding dawns. “Oh, wow. Uh,” the guy says, turning a bit red. “I mean, I guess I know that ‘cause I always get the last one. I’m sorry.”
“Fifty bucks,” Shepard repeats severely.
The guy smiles suddenly, like the sun breaking through the clouds. “How about this? If you wanna come keep me company so I don’t have to eat alone, I’ll share this sandwich for free. Good offer, isn’t it? It’s the best damn sandwich ever made.”
“I know, right?!” Shepard enthuses, feeling lighter than air as he trots after the guy to a free table. “I’ve never had anything like it. Name’s Shepard, by the way.” He holds out his hand.
The angel of mercy sets the tray down on the table and shakes hands. It feels like the calm before the storm. “Alenko. Kaidan Alenko. Nice to meet you.”
“You both need to stop fucking talking. I have a headache,” Kaidan said.
“We need a bigger tub,” Ianto said conversationally as he finished soaping up Kaidan’s head and bending forward to let the hot water pound over his scalp.
“It’s a jacuzzi,” Vanya grouched, “and if you weren’t some freakishly tall lovechild between a Krogan and a Turian, you wouldn’t be complaining.”
“If you wanted me to wash your hair, too, you only have to ask,” Ianto grinned.
Grumbling incoherently, Vanya stood out of the water and turned his back to Ianto, gesturing for him to get on with it. Happily, he complied, working his fingers into Vanya’s scalp with the expensive soap and adding a shoulder massage for good measure, like he’d done for Kaidan.
“You overheated your amp, too,” Ianto pointed out, working his fingers around the port gently. “What is it with you two?”
“Occupational hazard,” Vanya murmured, sounding much less surly and more like a pleased cat every second.
“Implant hazard,” Kaidan offered lazily, stretching out further under the bubbles.
“What the hell am I washing out of your hair?” Ianto asked.
Vanya’s shoulders tipped up under his hands. “Dunno? Engine grease. Maybe frag grenade. Definitely a piece or two of Batarian slaver.”
“Gross,” Ianto said, soaping him up a second time.
Kaidan chuckled. “Is it weird that I still want to have sex tonight after that mission?”
“Yes,” Ianto and Vanya said in tandem.
Kaidan opened his whiskey brown eyes with a sly grin. “You guys gonna leave me hanging, then?”
“You, my friend, are a filthy sinner, and I approve wholeheartedly.” I think this could go either way, but I like Ash and Kaidan so that’s where I’m going with it!
Kaidan is not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but he respects Ashley’s faith. It’s kept her alive and fighting, and some days that’s all they’ve got. Even on shore leave.
Maybe even especially on shore leave.
Ashley had said last night that Kaidan could use some letting his hair down on occasion. Not that he disagrees. He’d deferred to her guidance on the matter, and as he slowly climbs back to consciousness, he’s fairly certain that trusting her had been the biggest mistake of his life.
He’d promised to go to church with her to repent, but now he has no memory of his sins. There was too much alcohol last night.
And Ashley Williams is now sitting on the edge of his bed, fresh-faced, dressed for church, and smiling like she won the lottery.
“Am I dead?” Kaidan’s voice sounds like it’s been shredded with razor blades.
“Nope!”
She’s right. If he were, he’d be feeling better. “I don’t remember anything.”
She arches an eyebrow. “The clubs?”
“We went to more than one?”
“The casino?”
“Am I broke now?”
“The karaoke?”
“That didn’t happen.”
She laughs. “You’re gonna have a rude awakening when you check your extranet fan site.”
He groans. Williams plays a dangerous game. “Anything else I should know about before I show my face to the crew?”
She stands and her smile turns genuine with a hint of something else. “You should probably talk to Skipper at some point. You kinda… said some pretty big things to him.”
Oh, no. No, no. Shit. No. Fuck no. God, no. He didn’t remember. He really didn’t remember. He slaps his hands over his eyes. “I’m never leaving this cabin again.”
But Ashley is having none of that. She gives him some painkillers, water, and hauls him up to get to the showers before church. She’s not asking; she’s telling him it’s necessary today.
As Kaidan drags himself towards the communal showers, he catches Shepard’s eye. His first instinct is to apologize profusely, but it’s disarmed when the man winks at him and saunters off.
Kaidan stops and glances at Ashley. “What did I say to him?”
She grins. “Lots of things, not limited to what exactly you’d do to him given the chance at some one-on-one time. You, my friend, are a filthy sinner, and I approve wholeheartedly.”
Your wish is my command! This one hints at an OT3.
Vanya and Ianto are in the middle of a drinking contest for the ages when Ianto’s comm pings. He pauses with his tumbler halfway to his lips and clicks the link on. “Yeah?”
“It’s me,” Kaidan says in a stage whisper.
“Hey!” Ianto says brightly. “Where the hell are you? Vanya and I are-”
“He’s there? Patch him in.”
Glancing to the Russian, Ianto taps his ear. Vanya joins the link. “What?” He says without preamble.
“I need backup. Evac. Something.”
Vanya and Ianto both share looks of surprise. The Russian says, “you in trouble?”
“I’m sending you my coordinates,” Kaidan confirms tersely. “Bring lots of guns. Maybe some grenades.”
Ianto is only half worried and far more amused. “What did you get yourself into?”
“Spectre business.” Kaidan is lying. They can both tell. “Doesn’t matter. Just get your asses here. You owe me. Don’t argue. Bring guns.” The comm cuts out and both Ianto’s and Vanya’s omni-tools flash with coordinates not far from the Citadel bar they’re currently drinking dry. They down the last of their drinks, suit up, and head to the coordinates as fast as possible.
It’s an empty docking bay and the first thing they encounter is a LOT of noise. Rounding the corner, they see nothing but chaos. At least six Krogan, buck-ass nude, yelling, headbutting, destroying everything in sight as they fight each other.
Ianto makes a small whining noise in the back of his throat.
Vanya shoots him a nasty look. “If this gets on social media, Kaidan will kill you in your sleep.”
He hangs his head and sweeps his hand out wide. “Then I guess this one is all you, Vanguard.”
With a murderous grin, Vanya winks and his biotics crackle. Ianto takes a step back as the frequency resonates with his own, raising the hair on the back of his neck. The Russian is a streak of light a second later, Charging into the center of the group of Krogan and blasting them all off of their feet. Storage crates and naked Krogan crashed and toppled and Ianto laughed uproariously as he filmed the whole thing.
And then he caught sight of Kaidan. Vanya was still surveying the damage and likely calling C-Sec and hadn’t yet noticed Alenko’s predicament.
Grinning, Ianto turned off his omni-tool as he approached the docking protocol computer station that Kaidan was currently crouched behind. “Hey, Major,” he said conversationally. “So uh. I noticed you’re kinda naked. Is that intentional, or… ?”
“I got caught in the crossfire,” Kaidan fumed. “Minding my own business and C-Sec calls for me to break up a drunk and disorderly. Too many Krogan to handle. Their leader says it’s some right of passage, and, one thing leads to another, and… you know what? I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“You don’t owe me shit,” Ianto crows.
Vanya trots over, double-takes, and laughs so hard he has to use Ianto’s arm as a brace to keep himself upright. Through wheezing gasps, he manages to tell Alenko where his clothes have ended up. Kaidan stalks off, also buck ass nude, head held high.
“It’s always the good stuff I’m not allowed to post about,” Ianto laments.
Vanya shrugs. “You might as well go with this one because I’m getting the impression that neither of us is getting laid ever again.”
Tiny baby Ianto with his crush on tiny baby Kaidan.
Chapter 02: Shepard and Kaidan become better acquainted.
I should be able to work on this more regularly from now on, though, I’m sorry in advance. I’ve been struggling with my writing confidence lately. I don’t really know why, but it’s been a huge challenge to write anything I’ve been proud of.
Jupiter Astrid James 